Making the Most of Your Relationship Mistakes

A woman walking away from her boyfriend wondering if he's right for her

Your relationships can be viewed as a school with many classrooms to spend time in and lessons to learn. With each successive relationship you learn more about love, attraction, equality, and the destruction you or someone else is capable of. If you are lucky enough to be with one person for a lifetime, you’ll learn all those lessons in one relationship. But there is nothing like a relationship failure to create the impetus to start sorting through the baggage of attitudes and beliefs that you carry from one relationship to the next. Although you might like to avoid the inner work necessary to achieve a healthier relationship, you have to appreciate that with insight you grow to make fewer mistakes.

Whether it is your criteria in choosing a mate that requires a second look or the fact that in every relationship there is a pattern of frequent communication meltdowns, taking a hard look at yourself is important, especially if you don’t want your new or future relationship to fall into the same destructive patterns.

Making Foolish Conditioned Choices

The natural question arises: Do we really make the wrong choices in selecting a mate or does a relationship choose us so that we can fulfill a life lesson we agreed to learn? The answer is: it happens both ways. Conditioning sometimes drives the mate selection process forcing you to choose someone you are conditioned to believe suits you best. That is why many women choose a mate just like their father, especially if they are seeking the comfort of a familiar personality to start with. Or you may find yourself attracted to a bad boy thinking you will resurrect his soul and put him on the path of righteousness. This choice reflects a woman’s conditioned tendencies to see herself as a healer to mankind. The key is to identify the pattern in your choices and to determine if conditioning is driving them. Sometimes we can’t help attracting the wrong kind of person. They just seem to arrive on the relationship stage one after another. In this case, you are completing bad karma and you may have to acknowledge your mistake was in a previous life.

Led on Too Long

It doesn’t feel good to be left on hold wondering when he will stop playing the field and see that you were “the one” all along. You made yourself available, waited for his calls, loosened all other ties thinking dawn would break any day now. But if after two years you have not established an exclusive relationship, it’s likely you’ll never get the commitment you want. See the mistake of making yourself too available to someone who never wanted more than a casual relationship.

Red Flags Don’t Mean a Thing

Some personalities tend to ignore obvious signs at the beginning of a relationship that spell out trouble and warn that the subject of attraction is not exactly relationship material. So what that he tells you he was married eight times and each time it was the woman’s fault the relationship failed. Or that he guzzles a six-pack in front of the TV on your second date. Ask yourself this question: How was my blindness a product of my desperation for love? And perhaps your eyes will be open on the next go-round.

Thinking Communication Is a One-Way Street

Dictatorial communication styles are often a symptom of mindsets of inequality. Whether it is you giving out the orders and venting for hours or your partner who thinks his way is the right way and you should have nothing to say, the relationship will suffer from degradation. Words can be powerful, but how you say them can be even more powerful. Examine your communication style and the mindsets it stems from. If it needs changing, change the communication dynamic by focusing first on your own style of communicating.

Breaking Up When You Need to Make Up

If you were too quick to leave a relationship in the past you know the pain you caused as well as the regrets you have. Flight behavior can represent a fear of intimacy or the inability to recognize that people can change with time when they value the love between them and each other. Fighting the urge to break up and developing some patience and understanding may very well save a relationship deemed too challenging.

Living Too Long Without Love

If it is love that you are after, you need to face the fact that you are lovable and that you deserve a partner who sees the sun, moon, and stars in your eyes. But if he doesn’t seem to be treating you with love and respect, keeps you at a distance and is self-absorbed, unresponsive or overly critical, the problem isn’t necessarily you. There is nothing worse than staying in a relationship that is impoverished or with a lover who is never in the mood for love. In fact, it is heart-breaking. Your mistake may be in expecting a turn-around by demanding better treatment. Demands seldom seem to work. The magical elixir may be to create a life outside the relationship that looks greener. If you matter anything to him and he see’s you’ve moved onto greener pastures, he may start to value what he lost. If not, you have created a new life to move all the way into.

Too Much Unsorted Emotional Baggage

Emptying the baggage that you should have left at the airport of your last relationship need not fly in the face of a new partner. In fact, you need to accomplish letting go of the regrets, guilt, shame, anger and grief before you enter another relationship. Maybe you think you have done it to your satisfaction, but just in case look beneath the lining to see if you are harboring something else inside.

Admitting You Made Mistakes

Admitting you made mistakes in a relationship can be difficult to swallow especially if you are the kind of person who doesn’t like to admit they were wrong. The tendency may be put most of the blame on the other person and not take responsibility for your part. End the blame game by focusing instead on what behaviors from you contributed to the problems in the relationship. Then forgive yourself and make strides in learning from those mistakes, promising yourself never to do the same thing again.

Settling for the Short End of the Stick

Women who get no respect usually expect none. They are so conditioned to believe a woman is undeserving, can never measure up, and should be subservient that the short end of the stick seems taller than she feels. Therefore, she will ask for little and watch how her man commands her universe and his. Inequality is no joke, especially if you have lived it too many times or for two long a period of time. The mistake women make is thinking they can never expect equality without chasing away their man. The learning curve demands that a woman stop using the stepping stones of an outdate legacy and see herself forging a path of equality for the sake of the evolution of mankind.

Passing on Someone Perfect for You

If you are the type of woman who seeks the “perfect” man, you are guaranteed never to find him. In fact, you may have even passed on a man who was your divine complement (soulmate) thinking at the time you could do better. If you are in the habit of dissecting the men you attract, try instead to erect a new standard: “A divine design is better than mine.”

How to Make a Sim Fall Instantly in Love With You in Sims 3

Romance is a crucial gameplay aspect in the life-simulation game “The Sims 3.” Sims can fall in love with any other Sim, regardless of the gender and even woo Sims that are already in a relationship. However, Sims also require compatibility to begin a romantic relationship. Sims that have a negative relationship score with your Sim or are in committed relationships with other Sims are more difficult to attract. If you want to play matchmaker for your Sims and do not want to spend the extra time building the relationship, use cheat codes to force the Sims to instantly fall in love.

Instructions

  1. Open the cheat command console by holding down the “Shift,” “Ctrl” and “C” keys on your keyboard.
  2. Type in the cheat code “testingcheatsenabled true” without quotations and press “Enter.” This will enable the testing cheats, which allow you to manipulate various game functions, including relationship levels.
  3. Click on the Sim you want your Sim to fall in love with and select the “Friendly Introduction” social option. This allows your Sim to meet the other Sim if they have not done so already.
  4. Open your Sim’s relationship menu and click on the relationship meter for the Sim you want to fall in love with. Drag the relationship bar over so that it is completely full. This will make the relationship between the two Sims strong enough to move on to the next step.
  5. Click on the Sim you want to fall in love with and select any romantic interactions. Because the relationship level is now as high as it can be, romantic interactions are guaranteed to work. To take the romantic relationship to the next level choose options like “Propose” and “Get Married” from the romantic interactions menu.

Instructions

  1. Open the cheat command console by holding down the “Shift,” “Ctrl” and “C” keys on your keyboard.
  2. Type in the cheat code “testingcheatsenabled true” without quotations and press “Enter.” This will enable the testing cheats, which allow you to manipulate various game functions, including relationship levels.
  3. Click on the Sim you want your Sim to fall in love with and select the “Friendly Introduction” social option. This allows your Sim to meet the other Sim if they have not done so already.
  4. Open your Sim’s relationship menu and click on the relationship meter for the Sim you want to fall in love with. Drag the relationship bar over so that it is completely full. This will make the relationship between the two Sims strong enough to move on to the next step.
  5. Click on the Sim you want to fall in love with and select any romantic interactions. Because the relationship level is now as high as it can be, romantic interactions are guaranteed to work. To take the romantic relationship to the next level choose options like “Propose” and “Get Married” from the romantic interactions menu.

Leaving Toxic Family Relationships

For many people living in a toxic family relationship can be a stressful, chaotic part of childhood. Being an adult means learning how to cope with toxic parents, and how to leave them behind. Often the death of parents will also leave conflicting feelings of remorse and guilt, despite what parents did to their child. Thomas Whaley’s debut novel explores Benjamin Quinn’s childhood, and how he finally attempts to leave it all behind.

Benjamin blames his parents for the way he has turned out. He’s pompous, egotistical, and sarcastic. Benjamin doesn’t want to be this way, but feels he was forced into his personality by his parents. Benjamin learns a family secret that may explain why his parents raised him in a toxic environment, but certainly doesn’t absolve them of all blame.

If you enjoy authors like David Sedaris, you’ll enjoy reading Thomas’s novel about Benjamin Quinn, a fictional character in “Leaving Montana”. Sometimes leaving a state can mean more than leaving a location, it can also mean leaving the family that raised you behind.

David Sedaris’s new book should be coming out shortly, as his last short story collection came out in 2013. He certainly spends time writing self-deprecating, autobiographical, and humorous books. No topic is taboo with him. Many reviewers are comparing Thomas with David.

Thomas Whaley has created a character who should be likable. He’s successful in his career; he has a loving partner, two children, and a beautiful home. He has a faithful group of friends. But for those who know him well, he has deep-rooted anger, ready to explode.

Not a lot is given away in the preview of the book. We understood his own parents had a terrible relationship. It’s said he saw terrible things happen, which many adults would be horrified to see. Perhaps this implies that abuse was a part of his childhood. He ended the toxic cycle in his own personal life, and managed to put it aside by his 30s. He felt he had it under control, until his parents confided in a secret.

Most people can agree that by the time you’re in your 30s, it’s time to set aside childhood traumas, and either forgive your parents, or move on. It’s time to be responsible for your own life. But for Ben, it sounds like he has to face his demons once again. The only other tidbit of information given is that he is going to journey back to Montana so he can face his fears, and put them to rest permanently.

Thomas has won two awards for his debut novel. One is the NIEA award for National Indie Excellence Awards, and the second is the Eric Hoffer Book Award. Not many authors do as well with their debut novel.

It will be exciting to see what Thomas’s next novel will be about. Perhaps it will be another story about Benjamin, or it will be about an entirely new character. Either way we will have to wait and see.

6 Differences to Appreciate in Your Romantic Partner

Differences sometimes initially attract people to their partners. For example, a quiet introvert is sometimes attracted to an extrovert’s bubbliness, or someone who lacks confidence is attracted to someone who has it.  Over time however differences can cause conflict in relationships (see here(link is external) and here (link is external)for a couple of research examples).

Below are some quick self-reflection questions to get you thinking about the ways in which it’s nice to have a partner who has different traits and strengths than yours.

6 Differences to Appreciate in Your Romantic Partner.

1. The ways in which your mate is a morally better person than you.

For example, my spouse has a much stronger desire to volunteer than I do.  She has better attitudes towards people who are less fortunate than we are, but those better attitudes rub off on me.

2. Healthy ways your mate copes with stress that are different from how you do it.

When you live with someone, you become intimately aware of how they cope with stress. Partners can pick up new skills from each other, or you might just admire what the other person does.  What have you learned from your partner about useful ways to cope with stress?  For example, your spouse may go for a run after work each night.

3. Practical skills your mate has that you don’t have.

Maybe your mate can make dinner for 6 without getting stressed about it, or can do DIY projects that you’re hopeless at.

4. Ways in which your mate will step in a do things that you find anxiety provoking.

Maybe your mate is the one who’ll deal with awkward conversations that need to be had with your family members or neighbors. Maybe they’ll be the one to return items to stores because you feel embarrassed doing it.  When is your partner willing to step in and rescue you from things you feel anxious about doing?

5. Are any of the qualities that annoy you about your partner the dark side of their more attractive qualities?

For example, if get annoyed by your partner’s stubborness, do you also admire their belief in themselves and their ideas?  If you get annoyed that they spread themselves too thin, do you also admire their generosity?

Pinpoint what irritates you about your partner, and ask yourself whether there is relationship between that quality and something you like about them.

This isn’t about dismissing the annoying aspect. It’s just about seeing things in gray rather than black and white.

6. Are there any specific tasks that your partner does in a way you admire or find sweet/cute/amusing?

Does your partner make sandwiches in a particularly adorable way, or do they have a super well organized system for keeping their mail and receipts in order?

It’s easy to ruminate about it when your partner doesn’t do tasks the way you like them to be done.  What do they do that’s different from your approach in a good way?

It could be as simple as their favorite weird sandwich fillings, or the goofy apron and chef’s hat they love to wear when they’re grilling out.

Do Rebound Relationships Move To The Next Level?

You have just broken up with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and the relationship may have left you with a bitter taste in your mouth. The top most things on your mind are probably jumping into a new relationship to spite your ex for all the wrongs they committed. Well, a rebound relationship can be described as a relationship one gets into a few days to several months after breaking up with their partners. Rebound relationships most of the times fail for several reasons however there are always two sides to a story. Some rebound relationships actually work and move to the next level. We will look into why rebound relationships fail as well as why some rebound relationships work and move to the next level. We will also end up seeing what the importance of new relationship advice is.

The first reason why rebound relationships fail is because one of the partners gets into the new relationship for the wrong reasons and with wrong intentions. The partner who is on rebound may be out to prove a point to their ex and this could end up hurting their new partner and the relationship ends even before it starts. The other party who is not on rebound will definitely get hurt when they discover they were being used as a vengeance tool. New relationship advice will help the partners know if they are entering the relationship for the right reasons.

The other reason that rebound relationships fail is because of baggage carried from the previous relationship. The partner on rebound may still have unresolved issues which they may carry into the new relationship this ends up hurting their new partner and may lead to the death of the relationship.

It’s not wrong to compare notes from your previous relationship but this should be a private affair something that the person on rebound should do in their mind and not bring out in the open. It is humiliating to be compared to another person for whatever reason because each and every person is a unique personality with their pros and cons.

Why would a rebound relationship work you may wonder, it is a very rare occurrence however some rebound relationships do work for several reasons. You may have kissed enough frogs and you may have finally met your soul mate. This sounds like a fantasy but it is a reality and does happen when the two partners in the new relationship share common goals and are agreeable the rebound relationship can work because both parties appreciate each other and do not take each other for granted. Rebound relationships may work especially if the two partners have been friends for a long time and understand each other. This is because they already share a common goal and are comfortable with one another.

For a new relationship to work especially a rebound one both parties should be willing to give it time to grow and have open and constant communication. Whatever you do treat others the same way you would like them to treat you. At the end of the day you need some new relationship advice for you to make it.

Expectations in a Relationship

A couple frustrated with each other in a restaurant

Are the expectations you have in a relationship really yours, or are they an accumulation of what you’ve read or have been taught? Have you accepted the idea that, this is the way it should be? What you want in a relationship and what you have could very well be causing an inner conflict. You may be looking at your partner and saying, “Whoa, wait a minute! He should be doing such and such” … butwho determined what he should be doing?

There are scads of books available today about fixing relationships, how to catch the perfect man, why men love bitches, how to behave in a relationship, whether or not he’s just not that into you, how to tell if he is into you, that men are from Mars … well, you get the idea, and the list is endless. Point is, are you deriving what a relationship should be based on what Oprah, Dr. Phil, countless books and talk show hosts have to tell you? Or, are you allowing the person with whom you’re in a relationship to be who he or she is and learn to adjust your perspectives?

Granted, certain behaviors are disrespectful, and no one that I know of wakes up in the morning with an enthusiastic, “Oh, yippee, I sure hope I get treated like scum today!” Mutual respect in a relationship is paramount to make a partnership work.

What I have discovered is that we all have an ideal in the corner of our mind of what our interaction with our loved one “should” be. Whether this is derived from watching, Leave It to Beaver (June as the perfect wife in her pearls) or Married with Children (Al secretly loves Kate, but is very degrading to her) – or, as mentioned above, from the books and famous people that tell us what we should expect. If your relationship is falling short of the commandments that dictate the shoulds and should nots, are you expecting it to change? Better yet, can you discard what the powerful “they” say, and just learn to adjust to what your relationship is instead of what you think it should be?

More disagreements and squabbles between two people are born out of what others dictate to us; someone else who doesn’t have a clue about who you are or who your significant other is, insists on telling you that this is the way you should behave, resolve issues, and live happily ever after.

Happily ever after only comes in books. Relationships are a continual work in progress, keeping your ego in check, accepting certain things, and learning to choose your battles. Leaving the cap off the toothpaste isn’t a battle worth the effort. Not telling you where he’s going when he suddenly decides to go out for the evening- that one is worth the pursuit.

To genuinely allow your relationship to work, you have to get into a space where you allow each other to simply be the person he or she is. No one needs “fixing.” Perceptions can be shifted. Behaviors can be altered. The key is to make sure that it’s what you want, and not what you’ve been told!